What gives us faith? What is the core of our faith? What is the essence of the burning emotions that we refer to as “faith”?
These are questions I have asked myself my whole life. I was taught as a child that faith meant obedience, that to love Ezra was to follow Her edicts and to do so unquestioningly. It was made clear to me that I did not have the wisdom to understand the reasons behind the laws of scripture and I accepted that, because there are great and wise priests who dedicate their lives to interpreting the scripture. They pass down law like holy messengers, relaying it from Ezra’s mouth to our ears.
Then I began my training as an Anchorite, and I learned that the greatest calling is to be able to interpret Ezra’s sayings, to bring Her words to the masses by explaining their relevance to the average person. I came also to know that there are several churches of Ezra, each spreading Her word in a different way. I read the scriptures, and committed much of them to memory. And I came to know the central message of Ezra’s teachings: that by loving Ezra, and by being kind and good to one another, we can bring peace to all Her children.
So, as I felt was my duty, I searched my own soul for the way to best worship Ezra. And when an Anchorite let me preach a sermon, I filled the hearts of the parishioners with love for Ezra and one another. I was heartened; I felt I could encourage people to come to the temple and into the loving arms of Ezra, so I trained to harden my body for the arduous task of travelling to spread the word of Ezra. I learned to battle Her enemies. I learned to heal Her faithful. I spent every hour of every day in devotion and prayer, or helping the needy, or spreading Ezra’s message of love.
Then came my darkest hour. I was given a sign that the path I was pursuing was not the right one for me. It took time for me to accept that this was the case. At first I was crushed. I believed I had sinned somehow — this was the assumption others made as well. But in time I came to know that my destiny lay down another of Ezra’s paths. So I abandoned the artificial trappings of my church. I abandoned my embroidered robes, my tonsured hair, my prayer beads and my books of hymns. I abandoned the regular masses, the regimented rituals. I chose to follow the faith of my heart, not that of the church.
So now I am in the midst of the greatest challenge my faith has ever faced. It has been over ten years since I struck out on my own, and I still do not know what Ezra has planned for me. I know what I do pleases Her, because I feel the warmth of Her smile on my heart, but the way ahead of me is unclear. And why should it not be, since I question the very essence of faith itself?
By Ephraïm Ulster, devotee of Ezra